…like he was inserted into a pneumatic tube, he was suddenly sucked up and snuffed…
To me, this sounds better:
…like he’d been inserted into a pneumatic tube, he was suddenly sucked up and snuffed…
3.
Had he left his mother-in-law Delores in Pennsylvania…
I think Delores should be set off with commas:
Had he left his mother-in-law, Delores, in Pennsylvania…
4.
But it all this had occurred.
Remove “it”.
5.
How he’d lived so long and was ready to be with her again — assuming that was possible, that there was somewhere beyond…
Do you want two dashes in this sentence?
How he’d lived so long and was ready to be with her again — assuming that was possible — that there was somewhere beyond…
6.
…he still took wrong paths - ending up in Chicago via Key West — and now this blackness?
Mismatched dashes.
7.
…drifting away as the edges of his vision,…
“at” instead of “as”.
8.
Droplets of drying rain, having just washed away the exterior windows, left them reflecting tiny rainbow patterns on the floor around where Marie stood in a bright white sundress, her brown hair shining and clean, pulled back into a ponytail, held together with a white ribbon.
This sentence needs some work. I don’t think the droplets washed away the windows. And “left them reflecting” doesn’t make sense to me. I’ll give it a stab:
Droplets of drying rain, having just washed down the exterior windows, reflected tiny rainbow patterns on the floor around where Marie stood in a bright white sundress, her brown hair shining and clean, pulled back into a ponytail, held together with a white ribbon.
1.
Then he was gone, disappeared into the black.
Or “disappearing”?
2.
…like he was inserted into a pneumatic tube, he was suddenly sucked up and snuffed…
To me, this sounds better:
…like he’d been inserted into a pneumatic tube, he was suddenly sucked up and snuffed…
3.
Had he left his mother-in-law Delores in Pennsylvania…
I think Delores should be set off with commas:
Had he left his mother-in-law, Delores, in Pennsylvania…
4.
But it all this had occurred.
Remove “it”.
5.
How he’d lived so long and was ready to be with her again — assuming that was possible, that there was somewhere beyond…
Do you want two dashes in this sentence?
How he’d lived so long and was ready to be with her again — assuming that was possible — that there was somewhere beyond…
6.
…he still took wrong paths - ending up in Chicago via Key West — and now this blackness?
Mismatched dashes.
7.
…drifting away as the edges of his vision,…
“at” instead of “as”.
8.
Droplets of drying rain, having just washed away the exterior windows, left them reflecting tiny rainbow patterns on the floor around where Marie stood in a bright white sundress, her brown hair shining and clean, pulled back into a ponytail, held together with a white ribbon.
This sentence needs some work. I don’t think the droplets washed away the windows. And “left them reflecting” doesn’t make sense to me. I’ll give it a stab:
Droplets of drying rain, having just washed down the exterior windows, reflected tiny rainbow patterns on the floor around where Marie stood in a bright white sundress, her brown hair shining and clean, pulled back into a ponytail, held together with a white ribbon.