I'm enjoying what you have written but I'm not sure of the sentence:
The four kept kicking, but over the terrible pounding Gordon realized the woman cry out, “I’m sorry!”
It just reads a little odd to me. Well, maybe "heard the woman" or "realized the woman had cried out..."? Sometimes when I've read the lines out loud to myself, they make sense but not so this time.
Or else I'm just tired and hungry and not thinking it through....
1. Again, Gordon then heard a chorus of chattering whispers.
Drop the word “then”?
2. “Please help!” the woman’s voice called out again, the hushed whispers became full volumed voices.
This seems a bit awkward. Maybe add “and” after the comma? Or two separate sentences?
3. From the alley, he heard the girl whimpering, broken and fearful. She was in need, after all.
You referred to her as “woman” several times except here she is a “girl.”
4. The four kept kicking, but over the terrible pounding Gordon realized the woman cry out, “I’m sorry!”
“…the woman cried out…”
or
“…Gordon heard the woman cry out…”
"He started into the blackness of the alley behind the gas station and was now concerned not only for the screaming woman but for his own safety. "
Should "He started" be "He stared"?
I'm enjoying what you have written but I'm not sure of the sentence:
The four kept kicking, but over the terrible pounding Gordon realized the woman cry out, “I’m sorry!”
It just reads a little odd to me. Well, maybe "heard the woman" or "realized the woman had cried out..."? Sometimes when I've read the lines out loud to myself, they make sense but not so this time.
Or else I'm just tired and hungry and not thinking it through....
So excited for another chapter!
chin. We wore a black t-shirt should be He wore.
And the beginning of the paragraph where the boys grab him is slightly awkward when reading (shielding his eyes sentence).
Good catches. Fixed and made tweaks.
Also - just checking - you saw the chapter from last week, I assume?
I like the way you reworked this chapter for the boys grabbing him. I saw the one last week and liked that change too.