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Lisa's avatar

1. Again, Gordon then heard a chorus of chattering whispers.

Drop the word “then”?

2. “Please help!” the woman’s voice called out again, the hushed whispers became full volumed voices.

This seems a bit awkward. Maybe add “and” after the comma? Or two separate sentences?

3. From the alley, he heard the girl whimpering, broken and fearful. She was in need, after all.

You referred to her as “woman” several times except here she is a “girl.”

4. The four kept kicking, but over the terrible pounding Gordon realized the woman cry out, “I’m sorry!”

“…the woman cried out…”

or

“…Gordon heard the woman cry out…”

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Greg's avatar

"He started into the blackness of the alley behind the gas station and was now concerned not only for the screaming woman but for his own safety. "

Should "He started" be "He stared"?

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