Hmmm, back in time with their current memories...I like it!
Two things:
1. “Mark?” Jeremy said. He was surprised how his own voice cracked, high pitched for just a moment as he said the first syllable before dropping down an octave on the next.
This was a bit confusing to me as you talk about two syllables, but “Mark” only has one syllable.
2. Mark was preparing to graduate high school with his sister, Rosie.
Good catch on syllable thing. Original version Mark was named DJ. Supporter signed up as founding member and got to rename him to Mark. I probably would have never caught that.
Hmmm, back in time with their current memories...I like it!
Two things:
1. “Mark?” Jeremy said. He was surprised how his own voice cracked, high pitched for just a moment as he said the first syllable before dropping down an octave on the next.
This was a bit confusing to me as you talk about two syllables, but “Mark” only has one syllable.
2. Mark was preparing to graduate high school with his sister, Rosie.
... graduate from high school...
Good catch on syllable thing. Original version Mark was named DJ. Supporter signed up as founding member and got to rename him to Mark. I probably would have never caught that.