Other names and faces and memories flooded into Frankie’s mind during those first few days. At first, all his thoughts were like liquid that would suddenly fall into his consciousness before trickling away again. He started writing down everything that seemed important so he wouldn’t forget.
2. On more than one of these occasions, Frankie looked up her location on his phone and see a Denny’s or IHOP pop up on the screen.
I would say:
…Frankie would look up her location…
Or
…Frankie looked up her location on his phone and would see…
3. many slipping right back into the places of power they’d held often long before they’d died.
Should be
…power they’d often held…
4. Anamoly should be Anomoly
5. Over the years, Frankie’s confidence was often shaken and he started to just keep his yap shut out of worry that she’d misinterpret what he saw as plain, misunderstand his meaning, or twist it completely around.
Not sure here…should “plain” be “pain” maybe? Or “normal”? I’m confused what you’re trying to say.
1. ENH had offices scattered through Chicago,
My I suggest “throughout” instead of “through”?
2. On more than one of these occasions, Frankie looked up her location on his phone and see a Denny’s or IHOP pop up on the screen.
I would say:
…Frankie would look up her location…
Or
…Frankie looked up her location on his phone and would see…
3. many slipping right back into the places of power they’d held often long before they’d died.
Should be
…power they’d often held…
4. Anamoly should be Anomoly
5. Over the years, Frankie’s confidence was often shaken and he started to just keep his yap shut out of worry that she’d misinterpret what he saw as plain, misunderstand his meaning, or twist it completely around.
Not sure here…should “plain” be “pain” maybe? Or “normal”? I’m confused what you’re trying to say.
That would make sense. 🤣
It’s clear he can’t remember Becca last name but later it says Dr Becca Watts. Did I miss a connection that caused him to remember?