Peter was on the air again, feeling more alive than he could ever remember. He peered into the shiny black circle at the center of the monstrous television camera. Its dull red light illuminated let Peter know that once again, he was in charge, and millions of scared and tearful people depended on his leadership.
But today was radically different from all of them.
5.
Every news story prior to this very moment was nothing compared to staring at the wide-eyed camera that projected his image to the world as he attempted to bring some semblance of an explanation to something completely inexplicable.
I would change this a bit:
…nothing compared to staring at the wide-eyed camera that projected his image to the world and attempting to bring some semblance…
6.
…had kept vigil over their television sets throughout most of the day as they sat in rooms and on furniture that many had not been seen in years.
Remove the word “many”.
7.
…the change around 8 AM here in New York, so that’s 6 AM on the west coast, early afternoon in most of Europe, and 10 PM the next night in Sydney and New Zealand.”
8am in NY is 5am on the west coast, and 10pm the same day in Sydney. “…the next night” sounds like it’s more than 24 hours later. Maybe “…10 PM that night in Sydney…”
10.
“I’m sixty-eight years old,” Dr. Blatner volunteered.
… “Like you, it seems, everyone suddenly reverted back approximately forty years in age.”
If Dr Blatner is 68, then goes back 40 years, she would be 28, not 18.
I love this chapter! I wonder if this might be better a chapter or two earlier to help ‘set the stage’ for the experiences shared by our main characters the last couple of chapters. I would be interested in other readers thoughts as the impact may be better with it after so we feel some of the confusion our main characters are experiencing.
1.
Its dull red light illuminated let Peter…
To me it would sound better as:
Its illuminated dull red light let Peter…
2.
…as the new millennia rolled in around the globe.
Should be “millennium”
3.
…or somehow radically self-corrected itself.
This is redundant, should be:
…or somehow radically self-corrected.
Or:
…or somehow radically corrected itself.
4.
But today was radically different from them all.
Maybe it’s just me, but I would suggest:
But today was radically different from all of them.
5.
Every news story prior to this very moment was nothing compared to staring at the wide-eyed camera that projected his image to the world as he attempted to bring some semblance of an explanation to something completely inexplicable.
I would change this a bit:
…nothing compared to staring at the wide-eyed camera that projected his image to the world and attempting to bring some semblance…
6.
…had kept vigil over their television sets throughout most of the day as they sat in rooms and on furniture that many had not been seen in years.
Remove the word “many”.
7.
…the change around 8 AM here in New York, so that’s 6 AM on the west coast, early afternoon in most of Europe, and 10 PM the next night in Sydney and New Zealand.”
8am in NY is 5am on the west coast, and 10pm the same day in Sydney. “…the next night” sounds like it’s more than 24 hours later. Maybe “…10 PM that night in Sydney…”
10.
“I’m sixty-eight years old,” Dr. Blatner volunteered.
… “Like you, it seems, everyone suddenly reverted back approximately forty years in age.”
If Dr Blatner is 68, then goes back 40 years, she would be 28, not 18.
I love this chapter! I wonder if this might be better a chapter or two earlier to help ‘set the stage’ for the experiences shared by our main characters the last couple of chapters. I would be interested in other readers thoughts as the impact may be better with it after so we feel some of the confusion our main characters are experiencing.