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Lisa's avatar

Wow, nice cliff hanger! I was not expecting the violence on the streets either. Can’t wait to find out more!

Just a few suggestions (maybe more my own personal preferences):

1. He had already spent more time than he should have, wallowing in the situation alone, of suddenly standing in a long-gone version of his own body, with all his memories, beliefs, and mentalities intact.

This sentence reads awkwardly to me. I might suggest:

He had already spent more time than he should have, wallowing in the situation of suddenly standing in a long-gone version of his own body, with all his memories, beliefs, and mentalities intact.

2. She’d never mentioned traversing the entire global population en masse, though.

It doesn’t seem like “traversing” is used quite right here. I’m thinking “transporting” might be more appropriate.

3. …advertisements for movies set to open in that week,…

I would probably drop “in”…

…advertisements for movies set to open that week…

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