Within seconds, the pulsing black circle doubled in size, then tripled, growing from the diameter of a quarter to that of a softball, then larger, before the small caravan of tossed-together sojourners even had a chance to move.
“Olivia, now!” Tabitha barked again, and her words finally broke through through Olivia’s distraction and horror,…
Double “through”
2.
Olivia nodded tentatively at first, and then, in a beat, determined, the reality of the situation suddenly sank in.
This sentence seems awkward to me. I think maybe use “determinedly” instead of “determined” since I assume “tentatively” and “determinedly” are both adverbs modifying “nodded.” Continuing with this thought, maybe say “…as the reality of the situation suddenly sank in.” or “…the reality of the situation suddenly sinking in.” That way, the verb tenses would agree.
3.
The five of them - bespectacled and thin Tony with his ridiculous walrus-like mustache, James with his protruding belly and sweaty mass of curly hair, Frankie with his trim tucked-in shirt, Tabitha in her tiny red dress, and Olivia wearing light blue shorts and a rock concert t-shirt — all turned and ran with unexpected speed down into the gaping maw of the tunnel.
This is just formatting again, the first dash does not match the last dash: - and —.
4.
But she didn’t occupy her thoughts about the speediness of her stride.
Sounds awkward to me. “She didn’t dwell on her thoughts…” or “The speediness of her stride did not occupy her thoughts.”
5.
That first black hole swallowed up the entirety of the ENH Initiative before her car with Sam and Darke inside being sucked into it,…
I assume this should be “Drake.”
6.
Chasing down these feebly running figures in ancient bodied made new again…
Should be “bodies” I assume.
7.
…into the Stop-and-Go with her father as he stopped to fill his tank of gas.
This tripped me up. “…he stopped to fill his tank with gas.” or “…he stopped to fill his gas tank.” sounds better to me.
8.
But now she was in that same body again, with the same memories and years more.
Confusing…years more of memories? Maybe say it like this: “…with the same memories plus years more.”
(Thanks for the shoutout in your video yesterday!)
1.
“Olivia, now!” Tabitha barked again, and her words finally broke through through Olivia’s distraction and horror,…
Double “through”
2.
Olivia nodded tentatively at first, and then, in a beat, determined, the reality of the situation suddenly sank in.
This sentence seems awkward to me. I think maybe use “determinedly” instead of “determined” since I assume “tentatively” and “determinedly” are both adverbs modifying “nodded.” Continuing with this thought, maybe say “…as the reality of the situation suddenly sank in.” or “…the reality of the situation suddenly sinking in.” That way, the verb tenses would agree.
3.
The five of them - bespectacled and thin Tony with his ridiculous walrus-like mustache, James with his protruding belly and sweaty mass of curly hair, Frankie with his trim tucked-in shirt, Tabitha in her tiny red dress, and Olivia wearing light blue shorts and a rock concert t-shirt — all turned and ran with unexpected speed down into the gaping maw of the tunnel.
This is just formatting again, the first dash does not match the last dash: - and —.
4.
But she didn’t occupy her thoughts about the speediness of her stride.
Sounds awkward to me. “She didn’t dwell on her thoughts…” or “The speediness of her stride did not occupy her thoughts.”
5.
That first black hole swallowed up the entirety of the ENH Initiative before her car with Sam and Darke inside being sucked into it,…
I assume this should be “Drake.”
6.
Chasing down these feebly running figures in ancient bodied made new again…
Should be “bodies” I assume.
7.
…into the Stop-and-Go with her father as he stopped to fill his tank of gas.
This tripped me up. “…he stopped to fill his tank with gas.” or “…he stopped to fill his gas tank.” sounds better to me.
8.
But now she was in that same body again, with the same memories and years more.
Confusing…years more of memories? Maybe say it like this: “…with the same memories plus years more.”
(Thanks for the shoutout in your video yesterday!)
Merry Christmas!