The calamity that had sent the floors vibrating beneath her feet and the sound of rumbling thunder bursting through the tunnels above subsided as suddenly as it started.
…which opened the world into the calamity it now operated?
This sentence is confusing to me. Should it be:
…which opened the world into the calamity in which it now operated?
2.
Above, again, the sound of another sudden rumbling boom rattled the thick concrete walls, causing the lights that lined the lengthy corridor to momentarily flicker.
I think “again” and “another” are redundant here. I’d say drop “again.”
3.
…couldn’t be any worse than the world she’d had already ruined.
“…she’d had…” Is this the tense you intended? I’m not sure if this is correct. It seems to me that “she had” would be better, but I could be wrong.
4. Your dashes are inconsistent in this chapter. There are some long dashes and some short dashes. The spacing is inconsistent as well. Some have spaces before and after the dash, some do not have spaces, some have a space before and not after.
——
I like where this is going with the reduced power allowing Becca alone to fix what she has done. Clever!
1.
…which opened the world into the calamity it now operated?
This sentence is confusing to me. Should it be:
…which opened the world into the calamity in which it now operated?
2.
Above, again, the sound of another sudden rumbling boom rattled the thick concrete walls, causing the lights that lined the lengthy corridor to momentarily flicker.
I think “again” and “another” are redundant here. I’d say drop “again.”
3.
…couldn’t be any worse than the world she’d had already ruined.
“…she’d had…” Is this the tense you intended? I’m not sure if this is correct. It seems to me that “she had” would be better, but I could be wrong.
4. Your dashes are inconsistent in this chapter. There are some long dashes and some short dashes. The spacing is inconsistent as well. Some have spaces before and after the dash, some do not have spaces, some have a space before and not after.
——
I like where this is going with the reduced power allowing Becca alone to fix what she has done. Clever!