Jeremy had insisted on driving the entire way from North Carolina to Cornerstone.
1.
However, the complete change in her demeanor and her motivations were not unlike that of his mother,…
Is “change” here referring to both “demeanor” and “motivations”? If so, “were” should be “was” since “change” is singular.
If not, consider swapping subjects:
However, her motivations and the complete change in her demeanor were not unlike that of his mother,…
2.
…and if he fell into it, he’d completely lose his mind right, just like so many others…
Not sure if “mind right” is correct. Should it be “right mind” or just drop “right” altogether?
3.
…and then — bam - you and I were on that boat…
Mismatched dashes.
4.
In his brief glimpse of the faces of the half-dozen frightened transients on the side of the road,…
You had said earlier they were in the median, so maybe say here: “…transients in the middle of the road….”?
Or “…in the median…” or “…in between the two directions of traffic…”
(Also, you sent out chapter 71 on my husband’s 71st birthday!)
1.
However, the complete change in her demeanor and her motivations were not unlike that of his mother,…
Is “change” here referring to both “demeanor” and “motivations”? If so, “were” should be “was” since “change” is singular.
If not, consider swapping subjects:
However, her motivations and the complete change in her demeanor were not unlike that of his mother,…
2.
…and if he fell into it, he’d completely lose his mind right, just like so many others…
Not sure if “mind right” is correct. Should it be “right mind” or just drop “right” altogether?
3.
…and then — bam - you and I were on that boat…
Mismatched dashes.
4.
In his brief glimpse of the faces of the half-dozen frightened transients on the side of the road,…
You had said earlier they were in the median, so maybe say here: “…transients in the middle of the road….”?
Or “…in the median…” or “…in between the two directions of traffic…”
(Also, you sent out chapter 71 on my husband’s 71st birthday!)