He looked as she’d seen only in pictures, black and white yearbook photos of him in a lineup of other adolescent athletes gawkily wearing awkwardly oversized wrestling team sweatsuits, most of them with poor skin and flop sweat.
He was a constant mystery revealing himself in the most subtle ways - waking early after a late night to surprise her with breakfasts. He’d scrambled out of the house on Saturdays with Mark and Rosie…
Just wondering if “scramble” would work better here to match the tense of “waking.” (Maybe just my own preference.)
3.
…pulling her backward a step, then pushing further back out two steps more,…
The “backward” and “back” meanings here (as two different directions) seem awkward to me since they are actually opposite directions. Maybe instead:
…pulling her backward a step, then pushing her further out two steps more,…
4.
…but considerably colder around her feet as if a straight, tangible line of temperature differentiation…
Probably my engineering brain thinking it should say “plane” instead of “line.”
5.
…as if the ocean’s floor had no more than fallen away, ceasing to exist.
Not sure about the phrasing “no more than fallen away.” Maybe I’m missing something? To me it would sound better as:
…as if the ocean’s floor had fallen away, ceasing to exist.
Or:
…had simply fallen away,…
6. No mismatched dashes, but I did notice en dashes and em dashes both being used in similar situations in this chapter.
BTW, I like how you tied her memory of falling in the ocean and being rescued to the current situation of David catching her. Nicely done! So emotional with her experiencing his death and now he’s alive.
1.
…and had force herself to inhale oxygen.
Missing “to”: …and had to force herself…
2.
He was a constant mystery revealing himself in the most subtle ways - waking early after a late night to surprise her with breakfasts. He’d scrambled out of the house on Saturdays with Mark and Rosie…
Just wondering if “scramble” would work better here to match the tense of “waking.” (Maybe just my own preference.)
3.
…pulling her backward a step, then pushing further back out two steps more,…
The “backward” and “back” meanings here (as two different directions) seem awkward to me since they are actually opposite directions. Maybe instead:
…pulling her backward a step, then pushing her further out two steps more,…
4.
…but considerably colder around her feet as if a straight, tangible line of temperature differentiation…
Probably my engineering brain thinking it should say “plane” instead of “line.”
5.
…as if the ocean’s floor had no more than fallen away, ceasing to exist.
Not sure about the phrasing “no more than fallen away.” Maybe I’m missing something? To me it would sound better as:
…as if the ocean’s floor had fallen away, ceasing to exist.
Or:
…had simply fallen away,…
6. No mismatched dashes, but I did notice en dashes and em dashes both being used in similar situations in this chapter.
BTW, I like how you tied her memory of falling in the ocean and being rescued to the current situation of David catching her. Nicely done! So emotional with her experiencing his death and now he’s alive.